Moments of Clarity: Recognizing Love, The Good Kind

When you come from a family where several social issues dominated part of your childhood, you may find yourself in a situation where you’re unable to recognize good love.  After all, feeling loved and cared for or knowing you’re are/were, is part of being a healthy and fully functional, self-confident human being.  Truly, I believe that love covers a multitude of sins. And to many of life’s’ questions, love is the answer.  This can be self-love or other forms of love that entails nurturing and caring for another.

We all need love in our lives.  That’s to say that we all benefit from being loved and showing love to others but when you have a past that’s rough and rugged as mine has been, recognizing good love might be challenging.  This is the case for me.  Really, after going through a cycle of bad boyfriends, I’ve started to pay more attention to the relating part of the relationship and how well I get along with said individuals outside the context of an intimate relationship.

What I’ve realized is that, I choose poorly.  Perhaps a result of how I feel about myself at times, I have a tendency to choose men that recognize an attractive, intelligent woman but rather than appreciate these qualities, decides to use them against me.  And so, love becomes displays of jealousy, and some pretense.

I have a picture in my head of what love looks like and it starts with fully loving and appreciating the person that you are, faults and all.  Better than seeing faults is embracing the uniqueness that makes you, you.  This might be a challenge for persons with low self-esteem or low self-confidence.  Knowing that people love and accept you just as you are is a great booster for self-esteem, start there.  Once you fully acknowledge and accept the person you are, you now have room for people to fully accept and love you just as you are.  Although everyone won’t, you’re well on your way to finding love.

We live in a world where violence against women is real.  I’m often shocked by what’s going on in the Middle East and the genital mutilation of baby girls in many muslim African countries.  The inhumanity of people is at times overbearing.  Some muslims believe it okay to beat their wives into submission.  Really, as a West Indian, I know that domestic violence is tolerated in Trinidad and apparently, it’s the same in many Asian countries where men are still considered the breadwinners.

Although my heart is set on being in a stable, long-term relationship, I am not blinded by love.  I’ve witnessed one too many women lose themselves in relationships that were harmful to their physical and emotional selves to get myself involved with men that will do the same.  Even though my past has shaped the person I am today, I have come to recognize what love, the good kind looks like (and even the bad kind).

Recognizing Good Love

1.  Isn’t rushed.  If your relationship is on full speed, take caution.  Really knowing someone takes time, so take your time.  Go at a speed you feel comfortable with and if ever you feel like you’re being pressured to do something you don’t want to do.  Pay attention.

2.  Isn’t overly jealous or insecure.  Some people think a little jealousy is okay.  I don’t.  People who are secure in who they are aren’t bothered by who might have something better than they cause in life, their will always be someone who has more than you or are prettier, or whatever.  Be secure in who you are.  And let them be secure in who they are.

3.  Isn’t manipulative.

4.  Isn’t forceful or demanding.  I come from a family that’s often times controlling and so, this is an issue I have to work on.  Some things, you just have to let them play out.

5.  Isn’t disrespectful.  Period.

6.  Is genuinely apologetic when wrong and willing to make things up and set things right again.  Can you tell when some one is genuinely sorry for something they did or said?  I can.  And the thing is, a truly genuine person that really cares for you will gladly go the extra mile to make things up to you.

7.  Won’t remind you of people you don’t like.  As a human being, I’ve come to realize that one, I have limitations and two, that there are some people who despite how charming everyone else seems to think they are, will get one your last nerves.  If you’re with someone who reminds you even a little of someone you might just despise, take caution.

8.  Feels good. You have a good feeling about this person that is quantifiable by the way he/she treats you; you have a good connection and can easily communicate your thoughts.  If you have a gut feeling that something is wrong, pay attention.

9.  Pays attention.   When you’ve had a bad day, the person closest to you will know first.  If you’re about to explode and you boyfriend or girlfriend is oblivious to what’s going on in your immediate world, take caution.  This person might be emotionally unavailable.

10.  Is trustworthy.  If you’ve caught your guy or girl in a lie, pay attention.  Some lies are harmless and sometimes he/she means well (to spare someone’s feelings) but, if you S/O is lying about where he/she has been or just randomly, pay attention.

I like not only to be loved, but also to be told I am loved. 

-George Eliot