Moments of Clarity: Respect, Boundaries and Love

It’s been seven months since I’ve returned to Korea to teach for a second time around and well, being here has given me the time, space and energy to pull back the covers of some things that have been a bit of a struggle to deal with in years past.  I decided that I would embrace it all in faith, knowing that in the quiet reflection of life, the answers would come. 

Not too long ago, I read an article on boundaries and to my surprise, I understood it in a brand new light.  

Not surprisingly, people erroneously think of boundaries as being 'walls'.  It’s easy to see how people can confuse having boundaries with putting up walls as the two definitions appear similar at first glance;  a wall being a structure built to keep people out, which can also be called a boundary. 

Boundaries

While having boundaries and putting up wall may convey a similar meaning in terms of physical confinements (a means to keep people out), having clearly defined boundaries in your interactions with all people is an absolute necessity, something I didn’t really understand until very recently.  Furthermore, your level of comfort with the people around you can help define what your boundaries are as feeling outside of your comfort zone is a clear indication that a boundary is being violated.

Furthermore, recognizing that there is a line (an imaginary one maybe) between yourself and others is another way to think of boundaries.  I’ve come to fully realize that people can and will project what they think and feel onto others so much so, that if we are susceptible enough, will be in a whirlwind of what others project onto us.  

This can be dangerous when emotions flare and quite easily a situation could get out of control when dealing with people who are out of control.  And being able to own or be accountable to what you’re feeling and thinking when interacting with others is crucial for successful relationships.  Being able to differentiate what you’re feeling (and not feeling) in the presence of others can help determine your level of comfort with your interactions with people (even the people you are closest to) and from there, a decision as to what boundaries you need in order to successfully interact with others can be made.  

I like to think of boundaries as a way to keep communication open with the people around me, but in a way that I can feel comfortable about. As a woman determined to get on and stay on the path to wholeness, wellness and balance, recognizing and respecting my own limitations was the first step.  This is the second.

Self-Respect and Limitations

I’ve often seen and heard in the media the notion of “getting out of your comfort zone”, something I thought I understood well; In order to reach new heights or attain a dream, you’ll experience some level of newness in the form of a challenge in that it won’t be easy.  In the context of goal attainment, it applies.  However, when I fully understood a few other things that helped to clarify where I was in my life, some things that sounded right for me at the time needed further investigation to determine whether it’s actually right for me.

This lead me to realize a few other things.   One, having respect for yourself is first.  I wish this was something taught in school with full explanations and examples of what it looks like.  Respect for ones self for me, means I know my limits (financially, emotionally, socially and I respect them).  Knowing your limits means honoring yourself enough to know what’s too much for you to handle and being able to back off from any given situation, request, problem or interaction with others and feeling good about it.

On love, the Good Kind

“… love covers a multitude of sins” I Peter 4:8

Being loved (and accepted) by the people that matter most to you is essential to the well being of every one around us.  Without love, life is simply miserable.  Love is at the core of every solid relationship and with it, people are able to forgive others of even the most atrocious behavior and deep hurts.  Good love allows us to be ourselves and even develop into the best version of ourselves.  But bad love, drains us of our essence, expects more than we are comfortable to give and do, and sets us on the path for self-hatred and self-destruction, a clear path to a miserable life experience.

One thing I know about love, is that it starts with you.  After all, if you won’t look at yourself in the mirror with loving self-acceptance for the human being that you already are, then who will? It’s easy to get caught up with comparing your life to the lives and experiences of others, instead, I’ve chosen to embrace all that I am, all that I’ve experienced with faith, knowing that “all things work together for the good to them love God”.  Romans 2:8 Why not start by honoring the person you are?

What are your thoughts on respect, boundaries and love?